Sunday afternoon in my 12x10 bedroom that costs more than a three bedroom house in Las Vegas. LA,  how I loathe you and your promises of sunshine and bliss. Why do I only see the small bars on my window and only feel the smothering heat. The creativity lost to the emptiness of no one to share it with. There are the nightly adventures wrapped in denial and alcohol that leave me feeling guilty at night and disappointed in the morning. There is no other way but to repeat the cycle, replete with financial overextension. Let me indulge in the fleeting satisfaction of the other sex and sex. I am a facade of non-narcissistic kisses. Everything is a punch line; the sound of cymbals distracting you from ever really searching in my eyes. They are only reflections of your brightness and I'm sorry to pretend but there is nothing behind these mirrors. Being alone in LA has become the pretension of success, confidence, and independence. Don't leave me in my crass vulgarity. This laughter is a call for help.

I broke off the relationship that spanned two and a half years, blaming it on the need for independence, the advancement of my career, and whatever else seems noble. These are truths, as reasons for the tragedy need simplicity, I lined them up to him and to whoever would listen. But it is something that confuses me still. Why did I leave him when I considered that time to be my happiest? Even now, I wallow in self-pity with thoughts of our past comfort and mutual love and appreciation. I miss him. So why don't I go back? Like all things, the reasons are complex, multi-layered. Don't let anyone ever tell you one reason behind an action. But all I can say is that, I KNOW I shouldn't be with him. And I must live with that.

is alone.

o god. do i have to? do i really have to write this shit down again? no i dont have to but im making myself. damnit. for rememories purposes.

soooo much.

broke up with boyfriend of two and a half years.

rewind. road trip with best friend.

rewind. boyfriend moved to las vegas and left me in la. been losing feeling for him ever since he made decision.

forward. didn't think i had any feelings left for best friend

rewind. dated best friend. never got over it.

forward. road trip with best friend. fell in love with best friend again.

forward. cinevegas. secret rendezvous with best friend, dancing, laughing, talking, holding hands.

forward. break up.

forward. i know best friend has feelings for me and he knows i do too. we cannot make a move. too complicated.

forward. can't sleep. back to where i started three years ago, in love with my best friend and unable to do anything about it.

642 in the morning in a strangers' house, post late night alcohol binge with almost strangers. I write in the formal living room slash bar stealing side glances at a grammy award placed strategically beside the brand new computer meant only for guests.
Ive seen it in the movies, the tv shows, the hollywood novels. It's the stereotypical writer/director/actor/who's who in the wood's house that's too big for the physical imprint of one person but too small for the size of their ego. I thought I would be that person. I didn't think I would be the one passed out on their couch.
But you know, that's where all interesting stories should start. I wake up in unfamiliar surroundings after a night of debauchery with the popularity bigwigs and find myself in the beginning of an adventure with some new, exciting prospect. But no, this morning is a failure of that romantic notion. I'm just awake too early waiting to convince whoever took me here to take me home.

I can't sleep. I don't mean like this is just for today. I mean I can't sleep all the fucking time. It's hard! I feel so tired but my head just keeps running. Everyday I feel lethargic and crazy anxiety and sometimes nausea. Especially today! I just want to sleep! I need rest. I think something is wrong with me. Neck has been hurting a lot lately. I think its the hyperthyroid acting up. I just want to sleep. =/ Continue reading →

I lean on his chest. He stares at the television with his arms above my head, never touching my skin. When the movie funishes, he pushes me off and takes out the DVD from the player. He proceeds to walk away to do his n ightly ritual before he goes to sleep. He doesn't say a word. I get up from the couch after watching his moves, waiting for some sign maybe that he knows I'm still here. Nothing. I shuffle back to the bedroom, careful to hide my tail between my legs. I take my clothes off in the bedroom and he enters and walks past me. I cover my body inside the blankets, afraid of being naked. He goes to sleep and I stare at his side of the bed. I stare at his bare back. He slumbers.

I think I laid there staring for ten minutes.

So I shuffle out of bed again, carrying two pillows.

I'm going to sleep on the sofa tonight. I don't think he'll notice. I don't see myself in his eyes anymore. I don't see his eyes at all.

I almost stopped.

"You have to write it down," I told myself. You have to write it down because it won't stop hurting. There is this pain that I've kept hidden in the pits of my stomach all this time. Tonight it has spread through my fingers and my head. It's 3:30 in the morning and I can't sleep. I've just finished watching a movie about two lovers that never got back together again because of war and circumstance; not without want... just without luck.

I'm a coward. It's been too long and I thought that these feelings would go away, rot, or be forgotten. But they haven't. And now they've resurfaced with a certain kind of defiance.. or desperation. He is leaving, or actually, he has just left. He's starting a new life in Maine after being disenchanted in the year he spent here. The last year that I barely talked to him for fear that he would know and my significant other would know, or I would know, that I still love him. Will I finally let him go? Or is the proper question, should I let him go? If only there was some looking glass into others' motivations, true desires, and the future. Then I would have the courage, equipped with the beyondness of a reasonable doubt, that I will have made the right decisions; whether it be enduring passivity or undertaking a most vulnerable admonition. It really means that if I knew what he really felt then I would continue letting him go or I would go after him. That's what makes me a coward, my need of certainty. I cannot take risks any longer with this situation and I think I'm allowed to blame him. He was the one who let me go.

But I never told you diary what happened a little more than a year ago, before I settled with my current man. I gave you a summary, a one liner actually, but it was a most intense day of decisions. It was last last thanksgiving and that was the first time I'd gone home for the holidays. I'd been living in LA already, the first real time I'd lived away from my family and I was returning. I was currently starting to date Tiernan but still had feelings for the one I left behind, Nick. And on that Thanksgiving, we reunited at the familiar bar.

I didn't know how much I really missed him until I saw him walk through the front door. And all of a sudden, this gush of happiness overwhelmed me and I forced myself to hide them. The great actress's role that night was the best friend who didn't think of him as anything more. All the other UNLV alumni wandered in and out and said hi and goodbye and we waved and hugged each of them, but all the while, making sure to keep each other close. It was almost a blessing when my best friend Jen asked him to give her a ride to her then beau's house. She was at that inebriated but responsible point when she knew she couldn't drive. And so he agreed and I agreed to go with him.

We couldn't wait to drop her off and be done with the 10 minute short conversation that accompanied goodbyes. And we ate a late night dinner and we had a late night conversation and we had a late night laugh. And when there was little night left, we drove back to the bar. He parked next to my car and got in with me. We reclined our seats, listened to music, had small chatter, and wondered why we couldn't leave each other. Much of the air was filled with unspokens and I closed my eyes and forced a short sleep.

He said he liked sunsets more than sunrises. I argued that sunrises were more beautiful. When the streets slowly fill with people and cars and the warmth of the sun touches your hands and your face, it's like feeling life breathe after it has waned. So he stayed with me to wait for the sunrise. I listened to his breath and glanced sideways at his closed eyes and the hands on his chest. How I longed to touch his hands.

Hours passed and the silence that was too comfortable. And then, the first rays of sunlight. We stepped out and looked at it. The sunrise is not just a vision but also a feeling. It is definitely an experience. We stood there in a few minutes of silence and then he turned at me and smiled. We decided to finally part ways and go home.

Reading and writing this makes me hate him. If he loves me, why doesn't he tell me? It's because he doesn't love me. I need to stop deluding myself.

That weekend was my ultimatum. I decided that if he didn't confess his feelings for me then and there, then I would go home and let myself fall in love with Tiernan. I waited. That was a long weekend of unreturned calls and disappointment.

He moved to LA in less than a year. I was glad but afraid. Without him around, I was finally starting to ease him out of my mind. How dare he come back?

And now, how dare he leave again? Is this for the best? I think we will meet again in Albany in a week. It is the coincidence of Tiernan and I attending his friends wedding the same week Nick is driving to Maine, the same day he will pass through where we will arrive. It is my last day to decide.

Chances are, I will remain a coward.

Am I going crazy? I've had this weird shoulder pain for a while now. A ocuple of months maybe. And now I'm starting to think that it might not just be some kind of sprain. Do I have cancer? Haha extremem right. I hope I have arthritis.

Wouldn't it be nice if I could just run away with you? Forget about everything here and just go on a grand adventure. Explore the world together. Fall in love all over again. I feel like you're waiting for me to follow you. And I can't give you that sign. You're the one that left me. I'm not the one that will come back. Goodbye my secret love. Will we ever meet again? I hope this isn't the end.