May 20, 2012

  • Sometimes, the pain is so much that you want to cut it out. It reaches to your hands. It must come from your veins. It would be so easy to let it flow away.

     

    I came home today to a half empty house. Most of my things in boxes. No bed. He took his things when I was gone away for my cousin's wedding. No, I did know it. I let him take what he wanted. Just take everything, anything you want. I don't care.

    I don't have a place. I've given myself until Friday to decide on a place to live. Wherever it is.

    I just spent almost $300 online shopping. It felt better as I clicked away but I doubt that 15 minutes was worth $300.

     

May 19, 2012

  • Narcissus

    What's the best possible version of yourself that you could be?

    Apartment-wise- do they spend too much money? Are they trying to impress anybody during the "transition?"

    NO!

    The best possible version of yourself is not about how you look with what you have. The best possible version of yourself is achieved through long years of hard work. Consider yourself a freshman again in the school of life but in a different major. This time you're older and you're going back to school in the major that you carefully chose in the field that you know it's worth to pay for.

    So. Do not be ashamed. Work towards what you want. Work hard. And eventually, the visual of what you want to look like will meet where you really are. And it will be real. And it will be you. And you will be happy.

    Focus. No distractions. Lose friends you don't need. Lose friends who aren't really your friends. Learn to be friends with yourself. Once you are happy with yourself, then you can be yourself with others. Then others could love you the way you love yourself.

    Dont wallow in regret. Always move forward. Learn from your mistakes quickly. Do not dwell. Clean up. Take care of yourself. Have pride. Plan. Follow through. Repeat.

    Get off facebook. Schedule. Calendar. Love your family. Make time for friends.

    Figure out if you could really handle a pet.

    After all this. Be with Tiernan. Because you love him. And you will deserve him again.

May 14, 2012

  • Dating Again

     

    We were trying to outwit each other. It's like we were telling jokes and I didn't know the punch lines. So I would just start them and leave them off..

October 31, 2011

  • Joan Jonas

    A passage from Joan Jonas' letter:

    "One must know when deciding to become an artist - it is an irresistible attraction - that there are no guarantees of success, rewards, recognition, etc. One chooses or is drawn to a life of producing works that have no practical use in a largely indifferent world. The way is not easy or comfortable. To be an artist you must love art - and you must respect and find a haven for yourself in your work... One should understand fear - fear of failure, fear of not getting this or that. Fear is a device to control us, to stop us in our tracks, to keep us from questioning the erosion of basic human rights. It is the tool of the oppressor. Fear can be a warning. Sometimes I go toward fear, and it is a veil. What are you afraid of?"

July 16, 2011

July 14, 2011

July 13, 2011

  • The Is(eyes) have it

    Today, I saw a cow in the living room.

    No really. These are the things I witness on set. That and 12 chickens in a mock up coop in the garage.

    It's the first shoot day. I see old friends. Some of them, I've worked with before when I was still an office assistant. Dominic in particular has that proud look on his face whenever I pass him.  Some stop their conversations when I come around. I'm still your friend guys. But I guess the dynamic is different now. They resume their little chats after smiling at my passing.

    It is lonely on the way to the top. But I don't want to talk to them. And they know it. And I know it. And I am in denial.

    --

    I didnt write last night because my internet stopped working

    __

    I would've wrote about going to pho cafe with a friend and having a feeling. What if.

    I find out later he visited the same restaurant minutes after I've left. Serendipity strikes twice now. Did I make this happen? Or is it coincidence?

    I don't believe in coincidence.

     

July 11, 2011

  • Couches, elephants, and imaginary hand revolvers

    Today, I took the stairs up Runyon with John. He only stopped twice and didn't throw up this time at the top.On our way down, I decided to still take the hard route up. So we said our goodbyes and I took my detour. It feels easier now and I walk at a faster pace. My feet plant firmly in the little nooks on the side of the mountain. I'm not so afraid to slip on the loose gravel that could easily let a novice slip. Even the precarious downhill of exposed rocks failed to slow me down too much. So that after having past them, I ran full pace towards the end of the route. Before I reached the top, I started to get that familiar spottiness in my vision reminiscent of a sun stroke at a Vegas outdoor concert in July. So I walked the rest of the way. Once I had reached my car, I had undertaken five miles again. This time, faster and harder than the last. My shoulders were starting to become darker than the rest of my body. I should put more sunscreen on next time.

    I had purposefully filled my day with plans. After eating lunch, drinking my morning tea, and doing the whole shower routine, I ventured out. First at the eyebrow threading place to get those suckers not looking like fuzzy caterpillars on my face. After that, HD Buttercup to find the elusive couch. A month and a half now at my new abode, and I'm still at the too big or too small stage of Goldilock's trial of the chairs. Actually in my case, it was usually too expensive or too disposable. Where was the couch that fit into my price range of "might last five years but costs less than $600?" HD Buttercup proved to be a waste as I had arrived there 10 years too early of my planned socioeconomic climb. I clutched protectively at the my H&M purse as to prevent the appraising looks of the real diamond and gold wearing HDB patrons. After a hour and a half of imagining myself talking and sitting on vintage emulating tufted modern couched with fellow blazer and black hipster glasses wearers, smoking out of carved wood pipes, and crossing my pristine white $100 chucks over bare knees, I briskly escaped an oncoming bad financial decision. Half a hour later, I'm at Costco surrounded by families and women with sleeveless shirts and highlighted underarm hair stubbles. This place also required a quick getaway. Two $50 contacts boxes later, I'm on the road towards the Glendale mall.

    Do you ever point two fingers out and pretend your hand is a gun? And then cock the gun and point your fingers up your chin? This is what I do sometimes in crowded places. I try not to vocalize the rhythmic "I want to kill myself" echoing in my head, as I navigate crowds, especially malls on a Sunday afternoon. But my agenda required I purchase more clothes for work as my job now subconsciously requires that I stop wearing clothes meant for teenagers. Torture trying to objectively peruse racks as hands would sometimes reach in between mine to grab what I was going to look at, or I would get a whiff of someone who had put deodorant on too early in the day and didn't think they needed to reapply. Hand going into two finger pointing position again. $70 later and my new favorite shirt (I will take a picture later this week), I drove to my hair appointment.

    I regularly go to a Korea town salon where I never get the same stylist. All the same as I've never been disappointed, only maybe slightly paranoid that they're making fun of me when talking to each other in Korean. In this case, it is a good thing I don't speak the language. My stylist this time was a Korean man boy with black eyeglasses and subtly purple perfect hair. I convinced myself he was gay and uninterested as my hour there was spent in utter silence, except for the sound of a hair straightener opening and closing. This helped my red eyes hide tears as I read a Vanity Fair article on ivory and the hyper extinction of African elephants. I paid them $60 after and they did a perfect job as always.

    Grocery shopping, dinner eating, and now writing on an online journal I've neglected for years. It's part of my new five year plan that involves finishing a screenplay by July 1, 2012. Not one word has been written on my script but I do have a four page character development formula. We'll see how this year progresses. As for now, I promise to write a journal entry everyday even if this only helps to reinvigorate vocabulary remembering muscles of my brain.

    Cultivating my eccentricities are helping to keep me sane these days.

June 30, 2011

  • MIND FUCK

    The sun perched high above the clouds. I swiped at the screen on my phone. A calm Weezer song plays in my ears. He walks closer behind the gates, hands in his sweater. Is there a smile on his face? I shake my head. 

    "Dude."

    "I told you I was going to be late."

    "Geez. What were you doing?"

    He just smiles. 

    We pick a path through the canyon. What were we talking about? Sometimes, there would be no conversation. Just our labored breaths as we climbed the mountain. Passing brief conversations with co-workers, artists, actors, dogs that come from unpredictable directions, panting as they raced in front of you, a moving Los Angeles skyline, and just the constant beating sun. 

    We walk slower at the top. I think he wears earrings. Always that kind of hat. My heart is still beating too fast from the climb up. 

    <i>Is it really over?</i>

    He searches for another path to take. We inevitably take the one that leads us closer to our cars. 20 minutes from now.

    My heart drops as we walk the path leading downwards to the entrance. 

    "Where's your car?"

    "Just down there. See, the silver one? Where's yours?"

    "Just to the left here." 

    I don't remember which one is his car as he points toward the street. 

    Minutes pass again on that corner. I was enthusiastically explaining something to him. Did he seem anxious? I can't tell. I smile, the wrinkles under my eyes starting to show. 

    "Let me know if you want to hang out tonight."

    "Ok. I will." I wave.

    The car ride home. "Should I see him tonight?" <i> No you can't. Don't. </i> My boyfriend's face appears on the right corner of my mouth. I take off my purse and put my keys on the dinner table. <i> Don't do it.</i> The shower runs through my face. My eyes closed. I feel calm.

    I pull over the sheets and block the late morning sun.