"I can't remember anything without you." --Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Old I love you postcards in shoeboxes, polaroids, forgotten sweaters, a motorcycle helmet. Packing is taking longer than it should.

Watched the whole season of New Girl, Definitely Maybe, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Punch Drunk Love.

Movers Came.

Apartment Owner, old Hispanic with a hearing problem. Thinks I'm Chinese. Tells me about Chinese soldiers marching in lines.

Was up for 32 hours. Took my sleeping bag into my empty apartment to go sleep in the middle of the day.

Get a text to see Weezer private rehearsal.

The lead singer Rivers ignores me while talking to my friend Luis. Awkward standing around eating cream puffs. Waited outside instead.

Passed out for 15 hours.

About to throw a fortune cookie into the trash then dig it up. "Courtesy opens many doors." What the fuck kinda fortune is that? Now my hands are dirty.

Watching Swingers, then Sliding Doors.

It's funny packing to move out after a break up. It's like meticulously breaking down whatever you had meticulously built up in the last couple of years. Like toothbrushing the dirt out of all the grout on your kitchen tiles. All of the little, microscopic things you've looked over through the years are now bigger, and harder to erase. Oh there was the tomato juice I threw up on New years Eve 2011. Oh there's that slingshot a couchsurfer from Australia left for him after staying at his place for two days. Oh there's his motorcyle helmet for the motorcycle he just sold. I threw it away and then felt bad and took it back from the trash. I'll put it in the box of T's things. Hopefully I'll be brave and throw the box through his front window.

Purposefully emptying out an ice tray into the sink seems symbolic somehow. It sounds that way anyway.

Sometimes, the pain is so much that you want to cut it out. It reaches to your hands. It must come from your veins. It would be so easy to let it flow away.

I came home today to a half empty house. Most of my things in boxes. No bed. He took his things when I was gone away for my cousin's wedding. No, I did know it. I let him take what he wanted. Just take everything, anything you want. I don't care.

I don't have a place. I've given myself until Friday to decide on a place to live. Wherever it is.

I just spent almost $300 online shopping. It felt better as I clicked away but I doubt that 15 minutes was worth $300.

What's the best possible version of yourself that you could be?

Apartment-wise- do they spend too much money? Are they trying to impress anybody during the "transition?"

NO!

The best possible version of yourself is not about how you look with what you have. The best possible version of yourself is achieved through long years of hard work. Consider yourself a freshman again in the school of life but in a different major. This time you're older and you're going back to school in the major that you carefully chose in the field that you know it's worth to pay for.

So. Do not be ashamed. Work towards what you want. Work hard. And eventually, the visual of what you want to look like will meet where you really are. And it will be real. And it will be you. And you will be happy.

Focus. No distractions. Lose friends you don't need. Lose friends who aren't really your friends. Learn to be friends with yourself. Once you are happy with yourself, then you can be yourself with others. Then others could love you the way you love yourself.

Dont wallow in regret. Always move forward. Learn from your mistakes quickly. Do not dwell. Clean up. Take care of yourself. Have pride. Plan. Follow through. Repeat.

Get off facebook. Schedule. Calendar. Love your family. Make time for friends.

Figure out if you could really handle a pet.

After all this. Be with Tiernan. Because you love him. And you will deserve him again.

We were trying to outwit each other. It's like we were telling jokes and I didn't know the punch lines. So I would just start them and leave them off..